The Blueprint

So I feel like I'm always hesitant to make certain posts, mostly because I get shy or anxious about exposing myself to the world because secretly I fear being judged. But all in the same breath, I feel like it's my duty to sacrifice my "secrets" because facing my fears brings me closer to my core self and I also feel that my experiences can help other people.

So although I am talking about a personal experience that happened, it has gave me much insight about my life expressed through art, sort of like a blueprint. It was my first automatic drawing experience and also my first real art therapy experience.

So first of all, automatic drawing is a free form expression of drawing through your subconscious mind. It's very similar to automatic writing which is a form of channeling spirit or subconscious into writing. Both of these can present much needed information to the subject (me in this case) through higher dimensions. And its not something I'm quick to discuss, but I've always had spirit contact even before I knew I was having spirit contact. As a child I developed a fear of it and blocked it out. But the thing about spirit is that it's consistent, and you can try to suppress the connection but if it's your path then there's nothing you can do about it because your gifts don't go away. Now as an adult, I'm finally learning to be who I am and I can finally accept the things that I do intuitively without fear of judgment from family or others who might have a negative opinion. Because looking back in retrospect I've always kept some sort of altar (even before I knew I was building an altar) my first one was when I was 19. And I've always been energetically sensitive to spirits and the living who are going through some kind of illness or on the brighter side people who live a purposeful and "happy" life make me feel light, warm and tingly.

But anyways about 8 years ago, back in April 2010 I was dating a guy much older than me, I was 17 and he was 26. We dated for about 6 months but my experience with him had a big impact on my life. I had just had my first child 7 months prior and me and her dad were in the middle of a break up. Long story short, I was self-soothing and thought it was better to cheat on him because he cheated on me. But in reality I put myself and my daughter in a bad situation.

Me and Jay Jay clicked right away and he invited me over almost every day. Obviously I was very naive and he clearly had issues too because why would a 26 year old deal with a 17 year old?

About a month in, Jay Jay had told me he wanted to "try" something with me. He said he tried it once and wanted to do it again but with me...At first thought I didn't know what to think but later that night when I saw him he asked if I was ready to try "it" At first thought I never gave him an answer because I didn't know what "it" was, but moments later he pulled out a glass pipe and a little bag of crystals. In that moment I kinda freaked out and told him no. I was scared to try anything other than weed and alcohol and never thought I'd be face to face with anything other than those things. Apparently that fear I had didn't matter because after about an hour or so of convincing me to "try it" I became a fan of smoking crystal meth.

My first time was so euphoric. My heart was racing and I just wanted to take off my clothes lay in front of the fan and fuck.

From that day on me and Jay Jay did drugs every day and after a few weeks that turned to several times a day, and add that with ecstasy on the weekends and alcohol and for the next 5 months we had a synthetic heaven and lots of sex.

But realistically while I was on cloud 10, I ended up missing important milestones in my daughters life because a lot of the time I wasn't there and when I was there I wasn't present. My mom and her dad kept her most of the time. I guess one smart thing I did was never bring her around that kind of environment.

After about 3 months I actually found out Jay Jay was married and his wife had been away on a trip for work that required her to leave for months at a time. After I found out about his marriage I didn't leave right away because he talked me into believing they were only married because she wouldn't divorce him and the fact that she wasn't around made the lie even more convincing.

Now let's fast forward another 2 months and things between me and Jay Jay were starting to get really bad.We were fighting almost every day, I was looking worst than I ever had in my life because I was up for 3 days at a time and hardly eating. Even the people in my life were starting to see the changes, I even had a niece ask me why I was walking like I was drunk..which to me I was walking normal. But the thing that hurt the most was when my older sister told me I looked like her ex husband when he used meth, and then laughed about it. And last but not least this was around the same time me and my best friends had split up.

This time in my life was so short but it had such a big impact. I knew I was fucking up and needed to change something but I didn't know how.

But one night Jay Jay was in the computer room having phone sex with his wife and I was so high on meth I just grabbed some random paper and pens and started drawing. I've always loved drawing and doing crafts but that night it was my hand but I don't know where the images came from. All I know is that they were messages and they gave me a blueprint on my life if I don't make a choice, the right choice. But I still didn't stop right away.

A few weeks later about 6 months in, I was so high off meth and on top of that 1.5 ecstasy pills and I was drinking...All I remember is that I was tripping so hard I thought I felt a baby kicking in my stomach and I was panicking telling Jay Jay that social services were going to take my baby. But the crazy part was that I was never pregnant. Later that night I was still tripping and I remember laying in the bed watching a moth on the ceiling that I thought was teleporting from location to location instead of flying.

The next day I finally made the decision to stop doing drugs. As stupid as it seems, I had to go through all of that to make me want to stop. But I did and I never looked back. It wasn't easy. Sometimes I would still smell it and taste it (even though they say you can't smell it or taste it, yes you can) The good thing is that I never had access to the supplier so I quit cold turkey but the side affects were definitely mood swings, bad short term memory and anxiety. I actually took Ativan for my anxiety for the next few months because my heart would start racing out of nowhere and my chest would tighten up.

Now like I said, these automatic drawings gave me a blueprint and I couldn't see the path until I made the decision to do better.

In the following months I went back to adult school and got my G.E.D. then to a community college and studied horticulture. And me and my best friends became friends again. I started staying home with my daughter more and teaching her everything and even doing yoga with her when she got a little older. Everything just fell in line, not perfect by any means but that's fine because perfection is unreal. And now here I am 8 years later telling a story that I've never told in full detail because I was so ashamed. But it needs to be said because it's a burden I don't want to carry because it doesn't define me anymore. I can finally say "I love me" now.

My ancestors have always looked out for me even before I knew they existed. And for the first time 8 years ago they spoke to me through pen and paper and guided me on this path. Life is never easy but I've become fearless because I know I will always have the tools necessary to overcome anything.

#ebonycreates #longpost #theblueprint #arttherapy #automaticdrawing #ancestorveneration #selflove #Novemberfullmoon #drugandalcoholaddiction #healingyourheart #thanksgiving #artblog #onlineartgallery

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